Harry Potter and the Curse of the Wedgie Machine
by Reminiscentia
Summary: The Wedgie Machine..." Tumbledore murmured, "Is an ancient torture device... and in the hands of someone like Puppymort, we are all in grave danger..." Parodies, Crack, Dresses, Stalkers and Cracks on Slash... all here in The Curse of tge Wedgie Machine!
1. Penguins, Squirrel Monkeys and Santa!

**Harry Potter and the Curse of the Wedgie Machine**  
by Chels and Sarah

Authors' Note: Uh… a doy… a doy… we are the hyper queens! FEAR US!!!!!

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**Chapter One: Penguins, Squirrel Monkeys and Santa Claus, oh my!**  
  
An eleven year old boy named Harry Potter was seated stiffly in a desk. His lips were numb from speaking, and his eyelids drooped sleepily over his pukey green eyes.  
  
"I will not wear dresses to school." He murmured. "I will not wear dresses to school… I will not…" Suddenly, the adolescent's hideous face contorted, and he smiled a wicked smile. "SANTA CLAUS WILL BE AVENGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He was calm once more, and he settled back into the chair with a yawn.  
  
"I will not wear dre---" The door creaked open and an old hag if there ever were one stepped through the door. "Learned you lesson, Potter?" she croaked in monotone.  
  
The boy smirked. "Yesssss. It is mine. My own. My _precious_." He hissed.   
  
"Potter, have you taken your medication today?"  
  
"Um… I forgot, but it's okay, 'cos some kid sold me a better kind in the hall. I must tell my auntie about this opium stuff…" Harry said quickly.   
  
"What did you learn today, Potter?" The old woman asked, her voice dull.  
  
"If I insist on playing dress up with my Aunt Marge's clothes, I shouldn't leave home. People might think I'm crazy and her clothes are so big they might fall off, so if I do wear her dresses to school, I should remember to wear underwear next time."  
  
"Yes, well… that's good enough, I suppose." Harry shot out of his desk, the large dress he adorned blowing about his face. " And Potter… next time you see the kid who sold you the medicine in the halls… could you purchase some for me too?" She asked, slipping him ten pound note.  
  
"Uhuh! Sure… I LOVE PENGUINS!!!!!" Harry hurried out the door, colliding with another primary school student.  
  
"Watch where you're going, Potter." sneered a foul voice. Harry looked up to see the pointed face of Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Do I know you?" Harry inquired, his eyes crossing in confusion.  
  
"Not yet," Malfoy replied. "I don't come in till chapter six… I just had to come see you in that dress." He laughed.  
  
"Oh, cool! Do you like penguins?"  
  
Draco's face lit up with joy and he attacked Harry in a gigantic hug. "I LOVE PENGUINS!!!!"  
  
"I LOVE YOU!!!!!!" shouted Harry.  
  
Draco looked up at him. "Dude, this isn't slash."  
  
"Oh, yeah, I forgot, sorry. I LOVE PENGUINS TOO!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
Harry pulled out of the bear hug. "What about squirrel monkeys?" He asked, his eyes narrowed behind his triangular glasses.  
  
"Oh, they're so cute and furry!" Draco exclaimed rapturously.  
  
"YOU SPAWN OF SATAN! SQUIRREL MONKEYS ARE EVIL!!! THEY'RE PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE PLANET ONE FOOD INDUSTRY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!" Harry paused and gasped for breath. "You're one of them!" He exclaimed fiercly.  
  
"No! I never meant to hurt her! I really do love Hermione! You'll never understand!" Draco announced dramatically. "Uh… oops… wrong fic there… I forgot. It's Ron's turn this time."  
  
"NO! I LOVE HERMIONE!!!!!!!!!" Harry screamed. "Uh… who is she?"  
  
"NEVER!!!! SHE'S MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco laughed wickedly and then disappeared.   
  
Harry stood and dusted off his dress. Then he proceeded to skip down the hall like the girly abomination he is, singing, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!"


	2. The Claiming of the Characters

**Harry Potter and the Curse of the Wedgie Machine**

by Sarah and Chelsey

**A/N **

Thanks for reviewing guys! (Even you Andy... just so you know... I've read the HP books at least three times each and I'm quite aware that this is totally not canon... er... that's why it's in the PARODY section. Thanks for taking the time to tell me I suck though, it means a lot to me!) ONWARD WITH THE RANDOMNESS!!!! -chels

Thanks for the awesome reviews! We must kidnap rupert grint now by blowing up all the three musketeers factories in the world! Muahahahahahaha!!!! -sarah

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**Chapter Two: The Claiming of the Characters**

Harry bounced into his aunt and uncle's house with a smile. "I think I'm in love!" he announced.

His enormous cousin Dudley, who was the size and shape of a hot air balloon gazed at Harry in admiration.

"With who, Harry?"

"Well, you see there's this kid that I met but I'm not supposed to have met him till chapter six, but he's in love with this girl named Hermione, but it's Ron's turn to like Hermione and I'm in love with Ron's sister!"

"Uh… who?"

"I dunno, I just ran into some lady in the street. Said her name was Joanne or something. She was kinda nuts, but she told me I was in love with Ginny. And I've just figured out that Ginny must be Ron's sister."

"Uh.. Why would you think that?" Dudley inquired, drool trickling down his twelve thousand chins.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Duh, haven't you watched the movies? In the chamber of secrets, I totally saved Ginny. That means she owes me big time. So she has to love me!"

"Oh yeah… Daniel Radcliffe's hot."

"I know!" Harry squealed.

"THIS IS NOT SLASH!!!!" shrieked Aunt Petunia from the other room.

Dudley laughed maniacally. "LETS WATCH BLUES CLUES!!!!" Harry nodded vigorously.

"Magenta is a hottie!" Harry exclaimed.

"Back off, Magenta's mine!" Dudley screamed.

"FINE! Then I get Mrs. Salt!!!" Harry roared.

"So? I call dibs on Periwinkle!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Harry sobbed. "You can't have Magenta and Periwinkle!!!"

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

.One Hour Later.

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

"CAN!"

"CAN"T!!!!!"

"I CAN SOOOO!!!!!"

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! THAT WAS MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!"

"I know, stupid."

"Who're you calling stupid, stupid?"

The argument as cut short when the Harry's computer beeped. "You've got mail!" burst through the speakers. Harry jumped up.

"It's probably from my only love, Draco… I mean, Ginny!" he rushed to the computer.

Dear Miss…apologies, Mr. _Potter,_

We are very… pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Bogwash's Quality School of Magic. Please board the school cruise ship at 12:13 on Monday, September 1, at the Lodsden Boat Landing, Dock 4.7. As a first year student at Bogwash's you will be required to bring all of the items listed below:

Forty Two Bottles of Premium Pantene Pro-V Shampoo

One Plunger (V. Important)

One Mop Bucket

Five Sets Clashing Clothing (Outfitty attire is not permitted)

One Moose

32 containers of orange Tic-Tacs

Books:

One Million Poisons, by I. Shal Kilu

How to Woo Cartoon Characters, by Isuk Maj Orley

Killing Your Enemies, by Iam Ven Jeful

How to Lower One's Self Esteem, by Ido Notli Kemee

Why All the Above Books Actually Matter, by Sir Casum

Putting on Y our Underwear, by Elas Tic Band

"WOW!!!" Hairy exclaimed. "Hug me, brother!" Harry screamed, running full speed at his cousin, his arms outstretched.

"Wait!" Dudley held out his hands to stop his cousin.

"I have to pee!" Dudley exited, jumping excitedly about. Harry joined his aunt and uncle in the kitchen.

"I CAN DO MAGIC!!! YIPEEEEE!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Uncle Vernon screamed, rushing to unplug the demonic computer.

Harry sobbed. "Now my dearest Dra-- Ginny will never be able to e-mail me! MY LIFE IS RUINED!!!!!"


End file.
